Ivy League schools to institute Hunger Games-style selection

Alec Maier, Reporter

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Universities comprising the Ivy League—a collegiate athletic conference of the most elite schools in the country—collectively announced recently that their new selection process will mirror that of Suzanne Collins’ popular science fiction series “The Hunger Games.”

     

     “Students don’t want to be viewed as simply some numbers. Well, here you go,” said Francine Simmons, an admissions officer at Yale University. “We really didn’t feel that the college selection process was, especially in the case of Ivy League Schools, competitive enough. Yeah, students are already banking most of their sense of self-worth on the contents of a letter. But we wanted to take it a step further by letting them literally put their entire lives into the application process. Literally,” says Simmons.

 

     The Ivy League released detailed plans of the process. Each school will take its entire pool of applicants, fly them off to some distant, undisclosed location, drop them all in and see who comes out on top. 

     

     “We will have, of course, the infamous ‘Cornucopia’,” assures Gerald Parker, head of admissions at Brown University. “It’s really quite clever. The items contained in the Cornucopia will be geared toward certain majors, so students can really showcase their skills while under incredible pressure and stress. Physics majors can set clever traps, biology majors can generate a deadly plague and philosophy majors can—well, they can just…philosophize about their predicament until they get picked off.”

     

     When asked about English majors, Parker states: “Well, if they truly believe that the pen is mightier than the sword, they’ll have ample opportunity to hash it out with division one rugby recruits wielding morningstars.”

     

     Of course, such a large event will no doubt bring in massive revenue for the universities – whether it is from programming or memorabilia. So, it was only logical to ask whether the colleges planned to lower tuition in light of this new source of profit.

     

    “Ha! Good one! You know, for a journalist, you’re actually a pretty funny g—oh, wait…you’re serious, aren’t you? Well, of course not,” responded Parker. 

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2015-05-21 08:51:39

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